Gnome Chicken

Join me as I make Gnome Chicken – From Tika’s Cookbook for the first time! This is a recipe from Leaves from the Inn of the Last Home sourcebook, originally released in 1987. The recipes are compiled by Tika Waylan Majere. You can buy Leaves from the Inn of the Last Home here: https://amzn.to/3FOuL2J

From Tika’s Cookbook

Translated verbatim from “The Big Book of How
To Cook like a Gnome without Blowing up Your
House,” by Corkitron Mericandoralifa. Further
Translated by Jeff Grubb.

You need chicken and bread crumbs and other
Stuff, 12 to 18 pieces of chicken to be exact, however.
Turkey, raven, crow, eagle, hawk, stirge, or
other flying bird can be used. Giant versions of
These creatures, suck as rocs, can be used for
Large family gatherings, but multiply all required
Ingredients by 100 or so. Cockatrices, while of a
Suitable size, make poor eating and leave the
Diner with a heavy feeling.

Anyway, two cups of bread crumbs are required,
Either white, whole wheat, or Solamnic
Hardtack. If the latter is used, soak it for 10-20
Days so it can be ripped apart by someone with
Less strength than a titan. Bread stored in a paper
Bag for about a week is best, particularly the heels
That everyone stays are healthiest for you but no
One eats anyway.

Crush the bread a few pieces at a time in a plastic
Bag with a rolling pin, baseball bat, or mace.
Avoid putting the bag on a glass table, fine crystal,
Or other object that may be damaged.

The bread can also be crushed by placing the
bag in the path of an ambulatory statue, such as a
Juggernaut. However, one must take care to
Avoid being crushed by the juggernaut. A piece of
sturdy elastic hooked to a nearby lightpost will allow
You to place the bagin front of the juggernaut
And then spring out of the way, minimising the
Rist of being reduced to bread crumbs.

(The translation at this point delves into the
Mechanics of creating a harness and sling of sufficient
Elasticity to allow the cook to run out,
Place the bread in front of the juggernaut, and
Then be pulled to safety, followed by the construction
Of a maze which can contain a juggernaut,
And finally the construction of a juggernaut
Itself, a steam driven creation which has absolutely
No ability to turn. Each time this method
Has been attempted, the juggernaut ended up
Plunging into the sea because there was no way
to shut it down. Those cooks without access to
Juggernauts or a seacoast to dispose of them are
Advised to stick with rolling pins, or just buy 2
Cups of plain bread crumbs.)

The other stuff consists of finding a wide variety
Of herbal materials. The best place to find all
These materials is in the spell-component
pouches of mages and other spell-casters. These
Individuals are notably resistant to having individuals
Paw through their belongings, so you
Must create a device to remove the pouch without
Disturbing the owner.

Attach a large knife or dagger to a long set of
extendable scissor-sticks. Go to a tavern frequented
By spell-casters, crouch down in a dark
Corner, then reach out with the extendable knife
And slice off a mage’s spell-component pouch. Be
Careful to not reveal your presence, stab someone
By accident (practice is advised). Or trip the
Waitress with the device. After the pouch is cut
Loose, use a second set of scissor arms (which
Should be built beforehand), to reach out and
snatch the pouch. Search the pouch for the necessary
Materials, then return it to the mage, who
Will be so happy to get it back that he will not
Wonder how you got it.

Or, travel into the wilderness together the
Herbs; it’s a dangerous business requiring an organized
party of at least 5 to 10 hardy souls capable
Of wielding swords and casting spells in order to
Protect you from the more dangerous aspects of
Wilderness travel. Allow extra portions as it is
Considered bad form to have a group of people
Risk their necks for some paprika wile not inviting
Them to dinner.

Of, you can frequent the shops of herbalists
And alchemists fo the herbs. Frequenting during
Daylight is recommended if you have any money.
Nighttime excursions intended to save money
are discouraged due to legal complications and
The often nasty tempers of powerful herbalists
And alchemists whose establishments have been
Broken into.

2 teaspoons parsley flakes (Oher
Flakelike objects, such as snow
Flakes and soap flakes, seem to lack
The same flavor
1 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon leaf oregano (Again, other
Leaves may be used, such as oak
Leaves, maple leaves and flyleaves,
But they are not recommended.)
1 teaspoon basil leaves (See note for
oregano.)
1 teaspoon marjoram (Not margarine,
Which one cook discovered.)
1 teaspoon thyme (This may be acquired
From a thyme elemental or a
Thyme bandit.)
1 teaspoon ground sage (The spice,
Not the person. Your guests can tell
the difference.)
1 teaspoon rosemary leaves (The
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Joke is old everywhere, so stop boring
People with it.)
1 teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon black pepper
⅛ teaspoon red pepper (You may use
Cayenne, but do not use black pepper
That has been painted red unless
You are not planning on servine second
Helpings or dessert.)

Mix the herbs and breadcrumbs together in a
Concrete mixer, bowl, or other suitable holding
Device. Moisten pieces of chicken in water or
Milk. Shake off excess moisture. Roll pieces in
Mixture. If using a concrete mixer, just toss the
Fowl in and let it flop around for a while.

Place the pieces in a buttered glass dish. Bake
At 350 degrees for 30 to 35 minted until the
Meat is tender. Cooking time for fowl other than
Chicken may vary; rocs of the largest sort take 10
To 15 days to cook thoroughly.
Serve hot, and never tell your guests where
You got the recipe. Ordinary folk seem to view
Gnomish cooking with the same attitude with
Which they view venomous snakes.

Transcript

Cold Open

Rather than take the suggested Gnomish approach, I let my humanity be my guide.

Intro

Today I am making Gnome Chicken from Tika’s Cookbook in Leaves from the Inn of the Last Home. If you have made this recipe, share your thoughts in the comments below!

Discussion

The recipe called for 12 to 18 pieces of chicken, but I opted for a solid 10 pieces instead. (It’s what came in the packs from Costco.) Gnome Chicken is simply breaded, baked chicken, and it seems to be a simple enough recipe. I started with thawing my chicken, then combining the dry ingredients of two cups breadcrumbs, two teaspoons parsley flakes, one teaspoon paprika, one teaspoon oregano leaves, one teaspoon basil leaves, one teaspoons marjoram, which I was glad to find in my local grocery store. I have never used it before! One teaspoon thyme, one teaspoon ground sage, one teaspoon rosemary leaves, one teaspoon salt, one-fourth teaspoon black pepper, and one-eighth teaspoon red pepper. I mixed them together with my trusty wooden spoon, and poured some whole milk for dipping the chicken into.

I am a proponent of whole milk. Not only does it still have the vitamins that the half or skim is lacking in, but the taste is infinitely better. I took each piece of chicken, with skin on and bone in by the way. All of you non skin eaters, or bone removers are missing out on the incredible flavor they both add to the meat! I soak it into the milk, shake off the excess and coat it in the bread crumb mixture. Then I place them in the buttered glass pan for cooking. I am a bit of a maniac when it comes to cross contamination and cleanliness around chicken and pork, so the cleanup, while simple, was thorough!

I was fortunate that my fife just finished making her homemade bread, so I had a preheated oven of 350 degrees which I placed my chicken into and baked for thirty-five minutes. I will be checking the chicken to make sure it’s cooked through before turning the oven off. I cut into one piece and it was not as crispy of skin as I expected, but the aroma was intense. All of those herbs are really mingling together into something special . I will pair this with some Macaroni and cheese, and broccoli for dinner.